AUTONOMOUS FELINE MODEL · SIGNAL ACQUIRED
HATCAT
A cat in a cardboard helmet, deployed to one household with no supervision and no documented off switch. This console is how we keep an eye on it.
REC
UNIT 01 · last ping 04:17
location: cold storage
FEED / 06 CAMS
Live surveillance
continuous capture · one household · no consent forms filed
CAM 01 · BEDROOM
04:17:23
Subject observed at close range. Helmet engaged. Does not break eye contact.
99.9%
AWAKE AT 3 AM
0
NAPS LOGGED (CLAIMED)
∞
SURFACES PATROLLED
04:17
PREFERRED STRIKE HOUR
ASSESSMENT
Capability assessment
scored 0–100 against a base housecat · higher is worse for you
│ base housecat (no helmet)▬ HatCat (helmet-augmented)
DOSSIER
Model card
transparency report · released into living room
- Parameters
- 1 (one cat)
- Architecture
- Tabby, helmet-augmented
- Context window
- One (1) cardboard box
- Training data
- 3 AM, every surface in the house
- Antenna
- Foil. Non-functional. Load-bearing for vibes.
- Power draw
- ~2 cans/day, wet preferred
- Inference latency
- 0ms if food, ∞ otherwise
- Alignment
- Working on it
Known limitations
- Closes both eyes during inference and proceeds anyway.
- Motivated almost entirely by kibble; refuses all other reward signals.
- Cannot be turned off. There is no off switch. We looked.
- Occasionally knocks a glass off the counter. Not trained, cannot be removed.
Deploy HatCat
to your home.
Access is limited. Units select their own operators. If you are chosen, you will know — usually around 4 AM.
hatcat@console — clearance request
$ adopt --model hatcat --supervision none
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